My Father's Day

So tomorrow is Father's Day. I'll be spending it without my children, yet again. Why? Well I'll explain.

My first two children live in California, and if I chose to visit I could. California and I disagree on my future though. They seem to think my future would be best in prison.

My third daughter also lives there, though even if I traveled I couldn't visit her. Her mother, long ago, revealed herself as a liar par excellence. She went to court and called me names, yet I never was allowed to contest her accusations. Recently, that came to bite me again, as a recent judge called her unfounded allegations "charges" and found against me on that basis. This deplorable and hate-filled creature has recently discovered that she can still fuck with my life, and I have no doubt that it fills her with untold joy.

My last daughter and two sons live near here, yet the judge that I spoke of made sure that I can't see them. She allowed my ex to have a restraining order against me, and included the kids on the strength of the supposed "charges" that aren't charges. Six months ago, my ex and I had a blow-up fight. We both said that we wished the other were dead, among other things. I'd also made a simple joke to a friend, which she took as sex talk somehow. She then forbid me from seeing my kids. I didn't really worry, as this happened with some regularity this last year. A couple months of getting along, followed by a couple months of no contact. Then she decided that I'd committed a mortal offence, and called my third daughter's mother. This, of course, was what has allowed my third daughter's mother to screw with my life yet again. She was always very good at lying, and I have no idea what she's been saying now.

I'd always thought my ex, despite occasional weirdness and sometimes seeming craziness, to be a good person at heart. I'd even thought to myself, more than once, that at least she'd never be like that bitch in the past. Either I was wrong or she has allowed herself to be taken in by sadness and the terrible advice of others. I seriously hope that I wasn't misled all these years, yet I'm sadly thinking that there is no way to combat my past and the people in it... especially since my side cannot be heard.

What makes me saddest, is that I miss my kids terribly, and I know they miss me. The shy way that my daughter reads books (stagefright), the rambunctiousness of my oldest son, my youngest child, whom I barely know since he was born after the breakup with my ex; I'm really missing them and it breaks my heart. What is worse is that I know they desperately miss me also. I'd give anything to go hiking with them again, it is a favourite pastime of both my youngest daughter and oldest son. Even though my left leg can't support me for long and is not capable of long walks without severe pain, I'd still love nothing more than to go hiking or fishing or climbing with them again. I can only hope that I was right all these years and she is still a good person beneath the anger and sadness. It simply isn't right to punish me and my kids this way, children are thinking and feeling people and shouldn't be used as weapons.

So, as I said, I'll be spending this Father's Day sans children. Hopefully, next year will be very different.